1st post.

1st post.

So this post will be a bit different from my last. I will try and keep up with my postings since it is a more serious adventure I am about to take on then study abroad.
I guess the choice came from the moment we left Israel when I was 9 years old.
People ask me now why would I want to join the IDF and move to Israel.
"isn't the middle east dangerous?"
"how could you leave your family?"
"will you be killing people?"

yes.
i am not really sure.
no.


while these questions might be silly they are on my mind constantly. In fact it is 11:48 pm NY time now and I am up thinking and worrying about the next two years of my service and I am not even in Israel yet.

I wish I could say I am a 100% at ease with this decision. That wouldn't be the truth. There is a lot of anxiety that comes with the prospects of removing yourself from friends and parents here in the United States.
I wish I could elaborate but I am not really sure where to begin.

Mostly since I told people I would be commencing on this process with Garin Tzabar - a group of lone soldiers that live on a kibbutz/moshav together when they are not on base and are there to be your family; I have felt at ease. This group not only gives me benefits that are added onto me being a lone soldier but also allows me to connect to really wonderful people my age that have been experiencing similar things.
I have never met people like me before. This sort of hybrid mix of beings. I have often and will often feel, I am sure; that I am an Israeli here and American there. But meeting these people makes me want to celebrate that not hide it.

So down to my worries and concerns however irrational they are:
1) I am worried about letting my parents down.
2) I am worried about having to do something that I will not morally agree with
3) I am worried about my physical nature and do not think I am yet prepared for Army life.
4) I am worried about not having the money to pay the group that I still owe.
5) I am worried that this might really be goodbye and I haven't laid all the cards out yet.
6) I am worried about not being accepted by Israelis
7) I am worried about being powerless
8) I am worried about my past catching up to me
9) I am worried about not having a positive life experience that will help me become a better person.
10) I am worried that I can't do this.




thus sums up my 10 worries. I would include the health of Elmo my cat in here but there doesn't seem an appropriate place to put that particular worry.


In any case at least this is some of what I am feeling. As the summer progresses and I get to August 14th I will be a mess. I am sure I will not sleep.

But I am also sure that no matter what I want to help the people I love, the country I love, and find a place to call home where being Michal is more then enough.